I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
