I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
