Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
