If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
