I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
