I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
