Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
