I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
