Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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