Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
