my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
