He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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