She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
