I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
