Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
