WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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