i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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