im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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