She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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