How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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