My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
