Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
