God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize