Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
