The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
