I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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