I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
