thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
