she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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