I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
