The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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