Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
