Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
