I just pynch a tree in the face
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
if only i could text you this smell
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
