Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
