Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
