Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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