yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Too much gin, very little bucket
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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