and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
smell my finger.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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