Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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