I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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