I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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