dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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