Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
