Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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