I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
