Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
