she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
