On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
