Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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