i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize