I got chris browned last night
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
