$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
