can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The power of my boobs compel you
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
