look no pants
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
