omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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