I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
