At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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