If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
