96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
