i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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